The last day I remember being happy was my wedding day. I was grinning from ear to ear, I was like a kid on Christmas morning. Then on August 22nd 2014 that all changed. At this time we had been married 2months,we just moved into our apartment, and I was 7months pregnant. Every thing seemed to be going great. We woke up that day and took a walk to Macy on state Street in Orem to pick up stuff for brunch. On the way I called my dad to talk to him about my brothers first football game of the season. He didn't pick up so I just left him a voice-mail. I remember thinking oh well I'll just try and call him later. At around 1:30pm we got a phone call from my aunt with some earth shattering devastating news that I'll never forget. My aunt told us that my grandmother went in the back room of their house and found my dad had passed away.
In that moment my whole world came crashing down. I was hoping and wishing my aunt would say it was a joke, but she didn't it was true my dad was gone. As a daddy's girl you don't want to believe your dad is gone. I wanted my dad to be alive so he could meet my little girl and just because I wanted him here. We went down to St.George to be with family during this time. Let me tell you that drive was the longest of them all I hated it.
My family found out my dad passed away from a massive heart attack. It was hard for me to grieve for him because I was pregnant, I didn't want anything happening to my baby if I broke down. I really didn't allow my self to cry very much, one time I did was the day we buried him. On that day it was raining and very gloomy suiting for the way I was feeling inside. Before the service starts you have a family prayer then you close the casket. Closing the casket is the hardest thing to do, because that's the last time you'll see their body here on earth. I didn't want to let him go i wanted him to stay,but I knew he needed to go.
After my dad died i started smiling less and keeping to myself. I got angry at everything and everyone, I was even angry with my dad for leaving us. As time went on there where moments i was happy but it just wasn't the same. I had my daughter a month after he passed away. I was so sad because all I wanted that day was my dad. When I feel pain I want my dad, he always made me feel better. After I had my baby things seemed to be going better I felt a little happy.
In February of 2015 we moved from Orem to St.George and I was beyond excited to move home. I loved being around family again. I was happy to put some real roots down and make a true home. In July we found out we were expecting another baby yaaaaaa. One day driving around town with my husband i said in a joking manner "I hope no one dies this time unexpectedly".
In September we had a birthday party for my daughter 1st birthday. First birthdays are supposed to be milestones and my daughters was. I was happy I had 4 days off work to hang with family and my sweet little one. On the morning of September 12, 2015 life was about to take another devastating turn.
I woke up at 7am to start getting ready for my daughter birthday. I was in the bathroom getting ready when I got a phone telling me my stepmom had passed away (side not I was in the bathroom when I found out my dad died too). In my head I was thinking are you kidding me really not again. My stepmom had been in my life since I was 2,and over the years we have gotten really close. So when i found out she died I felt bad because i remember what I said to my husband about no one dying. I felt like her death was my fault like if I wasn't pregnant maybe she would still be here. I know that is silly to think that way but I did and some days I still do.
After her funeral I fell into a deeper depression that was starting to really affect my marriage. My husband and I would fight a lot about dumb stuff, I felt bad because sometimes I just picked the fights to be mean. Fighting was the only way I could make my self cry about my parents deaths. I wouldn't allow my self to break down any other way. Stupid I know, but it's what I did. I'm not proud of the way I acted at all in fact I'm disappointed in how I acted. My husband didn't deserve any of it he was only trying to help me. He wasn't the reason for my anger my parents where. I was mad they left us so soon.
Nothing helped...well that is not until I let it help. My faith in our Heavenly Father is what is helping me get though this. I have a testimony of this gospel I know that it's true and that one day I'll be with my dad and stepmom again. All the pain I feel inside he has already felt for me. I know it's not my fault that their gone... it was their time to go they had more work to do on the other side. Missing someone hurts so bad. There are days I didn't want to get out of bed. I think about how they want me live, and I know they wouldn't me to stop living because they are gone. My dad and stepmom would want me to go out , do my best and be my best. I tell you if you ask Heavenly Father He well be there he is ALWAYS there. No matter what you have gone though or where you are now he loves you. These past two years have taught me how much he loves, cares,and is there for us. I leave you with my testimony that I KNOW this church is true.
Love Ashley
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| Me and my dad |
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